I feel so fragile lately

I don't know why it's so bad right now, but it is.  I do have a few ideas, but for whatever reason, i'm in a very fragile state of mind recently.  I'm the type of person who needs to feel attached to people..particularly one person, and instead I feel very much alone.  It's not that I don't appreciate those in my life, because I do very much, but I just need someone who can be my stability.  I feel weak, and just not well.  More than anything I just want someone who can be there for me, and who I can feel comfortable with.  Everything just seems to be going wrong lately, and I feel like I can't handle even the littlest of things right now.  I don't really have much of a choice, because there are things that must be done.  I'm finding everyday tasks to be complicated, and now I have new classes starting up.  Once upon a time I used to have a busy schedule day in and day out, and now I can't even handle the small things.  :/

This little guy keeps me goin!  Love him so much!

Hard day...

Blogger has been screwy lately and not letting me post.  I think it may actually be internet explorer 9 that i downloaded.  I think something with the privacy settings are all messed up.  I've been trying to post, but it won't let me type.  The only way i'm typing this is by going to drafts and editing a blank post.  So confusing lol

Anyway, today is not an easy day for me.  It's been three years to this day that someone in my family, who I was very close to, passed away.  I wanted to post right at the time that he passed, kind of as a memorial, but blogger and my explorer wouldn't let me.


On another note, i'm starting to really feel like i'm going to be single forever.  It's just so hard.  I don't have super high expectations really.   I just want someone who is Christian, clean, has a sense of humor, and is nice.  It's simple, but yet so hard.  I don't know.  I'm going to try to fix the blogger situation so I can post more again.  I've been wanting to, just not able to.  I hope this one posts for me.

I'm getting tired of attending weddings

They're all the same, and I'm never the bride so really I don't care about them anymore lol


I'm going to try everything in my power to change my life this year.  If I can't, then that's it.  I'm not going through another year like this.

Either i'll heal, find someone to be my other half, and have an actual life, or i'll simply give up. 

2011, you better be good to me!

See what you guys are missing out on?  And i'm actually a nice person too...don't tell me you can find that anywhere, because I know that you can't.  Stop missing out on a good thing, grow some balls, and treat me with the respect I deserve. I don't give second chances.  Life is way to short to be dealing with peoples' garbage over and over and over again.

The most recent piece of art I did

I call it "Bloody"

It made me feel good to be doing art again..it's been way to long...such a good release of emotions.

A little better today..don't get too excited

I'm by no means 'good' but i'm not as bad as last night.

My life still has the same stresses in it, but i'm in a better frame of mind..so i guess that's something.

I just don't want anyone to worry.  I worry enough for all of us lol

I just want it to stop so bad

I feel like i'm going crazy lately.  My mind just won't stop.  It's an endless cycle, like i'm caught in some sort of horror movie in my mind.  Worrying about everything.  Not the type of worry you have..this is much deeper.  This makes me vomit, it makes me sob, it replays in my mind constantly until I want to bang my head against the wall.  It makes me want to do anything to just stop this madness.  And I can't help it.  If I could, TRUST ME I would.  No one would want to live like this, and i wouldn't wish it on anyone.  It just keeps on playing over and over and over and over and over in my head..that something is wrong..that I caught something, that someone is going to die...that i'm going to die and go to hell..anything, and everything and nothing makes it stop.  I can't take it anymore, I just can't.  God help me please, I can't take this anymore.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I just want it to stop. 


And no one understands...and that breaks my heart.

I'm so lonely it hurts!

It's seriously a gut-wrenching, internal, horrific pain that I physically feel.  I feel like I can barely even function anymore.  I don't just want love, I NEED love.  I NEED to be loved, to feel loved, to have one person actually call me to check if i'm even still alive!  I need SOMEONE TO CARE.  To honestly and whole-heartely care about me.

I hurt.

I physically hurt right now.

I pray that none of you ever feel pain on the level I am.