The depression is back..not that it actually ever left

I don't remember a time when I wasn't depressed.  Even when I was young, I knew I was different, but tried to hide it from everybody.  Lately though it's gotten to the point where I literally must force myself to get out of bed.  I lay there for hours wanting to get up, but lacking the motivation and energy.  I'm back to being up til 6 am every night not being able to sleep even though i'm on two different kinds of prescription sleeping pills. 

This just needs to stop, because I'm taking those stupid online classes (which I hate) but i'm too far into it to just quit.  I really want to complete the degree, but it's getting harder than ever, not because the work is hard (it really isn't) but because I have no motivation what-so-ever.  I don't even have motivation to put makeup on half the time anymore, so anything that's remotely difficult is hard for me to accomplish right now. 

I'm also finding myself to be very, very paranoid.  Now i've always been a bit paranoid, but it's so bad now that it's literally controlling my life.  I'm just certain that I have something wrong with me, that someone is going to die, that the world is going to end, that I won't make it into Heaven...things like that.

I don't know...I kind of feel like i'm losing what's left of my mind.

I just wish I had a man. Then at least i'd have someone.

I made myself do makeup the other day..I always feel better when I feel pretty.