Movies & Masks!

So I needed some chill time considering the amount of pain i've been in.  I've been dealing with some ovarian cysts..they're nothing to be concerned about in my case, but very painful.  So I decided to have some alone time watching good movies and cleansing my pores lol

I watched the movie Triangle which came out in 2009, and I highly recommend it!  If you like movies that make you think, then you'll love this one!

And here are my before and after pics of my facial mask lol

                                                                  AHHH!

Fresh faced after :)

I forgot how much I love surreal art!

Whenever i'm feeling really, really stressed out it just brings out all the good in me.  Rene Magritte's work is by far my favorite.  My mind has always seen things differently than other people, and surreal art captures that and shows just how beautiful our imaginations can make things.  It's my escape from reality.  It allows me to just lose myself completely into a whole nother world where there isn't any type of stress factors.  I've created a few pieces myself, but I don't feel like i've truly tapped into my full potential just quite yet.  I see it in my mind, but putting it on a canvas is a bit more difficult.  I'm going to post some beautiful pics that I enjoy looking at, as well as a couple of pieces I did myself.

These are the ones I did;

and here are some that i didn't do but enjoy;

Merry Christmas Everyone!!!

Can't wait to make more memories with the people I love, and who love me!

I want to get married in Greece!

I want a total Greek wedding, complete with authentic Greek music.  It's going to be beautiful and perfect.  Then, naturally, we'll honeymoon there.  Makes me happy just thinking about it.

(I didn't take this pic)

I feel really fat today

Probably because I am, but I'm just really feeling it today.  Gaa I miss the days when I was skinny.  I used to be a sexy lil thing, now i'm thick lol  It's a cycle.  I eat because i'm lonely then I cry because I'm fat, then I don't eat for a few days, then I overeat.  It's horrible.  If I just had a man then i'd have every reason in the world to be thin.  I am going to lose though because I have plans of getting pregnant in August so I can have a May baby like me.  Already have names picked.  May is just a great time to be born.  I've always loved being a May baby. 


Anyway,  I need to lose this bulge, because it's hard to let me natural friskyness come out when i'm blubbery.  :p   I've been eating those nasty Smart Ones and working out a lot, so hopefully it'll start showing more soon.


I can't wait to prove to everyone how sexy I really am.  I love when people talk about me, because they don't know what they're up against.

Me as a lil one!

In NO Mood

I'm just having one of those don't-mess-with-me type of days today.  I've been putting up with a lot of garbage for a long time now, and i'm tired of being peoples' floor mat.  The thing is that by nature i'm a very loving, understanding type of person, but I have my limits.  Some people get off on pushing other peoples' buttons, and my buttons have been pushed quite enough lately thank you!! 


I'm also a little peeved that i'm single yet again for the Holidays, but i've accepted that this will probably always be.


Ew.  Just one of those days.  Can't some guy just come and save me?  He doesn't need to be perfect by any means.  Just be loving and want me, and we can make this work.  I'm easy to please, and I don't judge because I know how easy it would be to judge me in my situation.  I mean who wants someone with depression and anxiety problems who comes from even more problems?  Almost no one.  Most men i've been with last about two months tops. 


To add to this i've been physically sick for like a week now-that's starting to get to me as well.

I'd like to think that tomorrow will be better, but why would it be?  Has anything changed?  Have any issues been resolved?  Of course not.  So no, it won't be any different.

I've been getting so, so depressed in the middle of the night lately.  Right at the time where there's no one to call or talk to.  I'm just not seeing a change, and I can't keep up like this forever.  What i'm doing isn't really living.  I'm alive. I'm surviving-but not living.  And that's sad.



On a positive note though, I love CityVille and find myself getting addicted to it lol!

More of my Photography!! & Art!

A drawing I did.

Check back for more!

CityVille is the new FarmVille

I love, LOVE the new game by Zynga called CityVille.  I haven't even been on my farm now in days. Lol!If you haven't started playing, you should!..and add me as a neighbor :p

Life is all about our "Intentions"

I'm actually writing a paper on this as we speak-or I type :p

I'm taking a little break to blog about it, because it's such an interesting concept.  I chose to write my paper on this, because I see life as being all about our intentions and not about what becomes of them.  Let me explain.  Let's say someone gets into a car.  They haven't been drinking at all and there's nothing altering their state of mind.  They see something in the road and swerve to avoid it.  By doing this they crash head on into an on-coming car.  Someone in the other car gets severely injured.  Was this the driver's intention all along? Of course not!  Is this person a cold-hearted evil human being that rammed their car into another with the 'intention' of harming someone?  No.  Those horrible events happened, but they were never the driver's intention.  It was an accident.  What i'm getting at is that we are not defined by events that happen in our lives.  We're defined by the honest intentions that we have, and the good things that we do.  Intending to do something positive, then not doing it is a waste.  At the same time it would have been just as wasteful to sit around never intending on doing anything at all. 

And that's my point. 

Our intentions define who we are.

Feeling a little better...

not much, but a little.  I got one of the books I ordered in the mail, so at least i'll have something to read.  I really want to connect with others who feel like do, so don't be shy to contact me.  I'm feeling really down in the dumps tonight :(

I had a HORRIBLE attack today

So it's been awhile since i've had a panic attack at all, and this one made up for time lost.  I was working out pretty hard, because i've been really wanting to lose some weight.  Well out of nowhere my chest tightens up.  I mean completely.  I felt like I couldn't breathe at all.  Now, a few years back I had walking pneumonia so I know how it feels to not be able to breathe.  I really felt as if I couldn't inhale at all.  If you've ever experienced anything like this then you know how down right scary of a feeling that it is.  It eventually passed, but the anxiety is still plaguing me.  Of course I have meds to take during an attack, but when it hits I feel to debilitated to get to them.  And then I start in on feeling like i'm never going to get better, and how can I handle life etc.  I feel as though I don't even know how to get through the rest of the evening, yet alone the rest of my life!  Right now I feel weak, and completely and utterly OUT of control of myself and my life.  I'm overwhelmed, and feel like I can't get everything that needs to be done-done.  There's not even that much for me to do these days.  When I was in high school I was much busier.  But now even mundane tasks seem nearly impossible.  That's where i'm at right now; lost in the middle of nowhere.

Some of my Photography

That's just a sample.  I'll be posting more throughout this blog!

"She's more than you deserve-She's just far better than me" -Shakira

"I'm sure she doesn't know,
How to touch you like I would,
I beat her at that one good,
Don't you think so?"

Don't Bother by Shakira


I love that song.  It sums up all of my insecurities quite well actually.  I think everybody has something they wish they could change about themselves.  I'm just tired of always being the 'friend' but never the girlfriend.  I get bored of being your go-to fat friend.  I'm not a therapist-in fact I need one myself.  It'd be nice to be the desired one, and not just the i'll-settle-for-her for a little while friend.

Whatever.  I'm sure all of you that wanted nothing to do with me are going to really regret it someday-in fact i am indeed sure.

I'm still a "good girl" don't worry

Some people seem to be confused about one of my posts.  I didn't sleep with the guy I was referring to awhile back.  We messed around, but that was the extent of it.  Do you all really think i'm that easy?!? lol  Anyone who knows me knows how hard it is to get with me like that.  So worry not.


Still have my headache today, but not nearly as bad.  The thought of writing my papers doesn't sound any more appealing though.  I don't get time off like most of you.  With the online classes i'm taking we get no breaks.  I guess they assume since we're not actually physically going that we don't ever need a break.  I disagree.  The Holidays would be a nice time to NOT have to write countless papers.  I don't really care though.  I like writing.

Anyway, I just felt like blogging a little.  There's really not a point to this post other than I felt like rambling.


Happy Holidays!!

Migraine Pain!

I have a horrid headache that's been creeping it's way in for about a day now.  It's just finally evolved into a full-blown migraine.  The added stress of the Holidays aren't helping much.  I miss when I was young, and everything seemed so easy.  Now I dread this time of year.  Between the migraine, nausea, and general dislike for the stress this time of year brings, i'm not a happy camper right now.  I'm edgy, and annoyed, and really not in any mood for drama.  I just wish I had somebody, but that feels like something way out of my grasp.  I'm used to rejection, not used to being accepted.  I don't imagine that I will ever be accepted, and quite honestly that's fine.  Just wish someone was holding me right now.  Instead i'm sitting here alone feeling miserable and wondering how much i'm actually even needed in this world.  I'd like to think that people couldn't go on without me, we all would like to think that, but in reality i'm sure the world would keep turning and people would keep fighting..and really nothing much would change except my not being here. 

I hope tomorrow is a better day.  I hope a miracle happens and a man actually desires me and treats me with respect.  I'm not really sure how it feels to be treated that way, because i'm so used to being treated like garbage that can just be thrown away by men.


Anyway, I hope this headache at least passes soon.

So there's someone who I have been talking to for like 5-6 years now

It almost blows my mind that it's been that long!  Time flies when you're having fun lol  but seriously he's a cool guy and even though we've had our ups and downs, we always manage to start up talking again.



I don't know if it means anything at all, but I kind of hope it does.

(I love being able to share my photography through this blog!)

I have a sense of relief

I just feel like a ton of bricks was lifted off of me.  I know there are many bumps in the road, but I also know that with God I can overcome them all!  And so can you!


We all make mistakes...learn from them and move on.  Leave the past where it belongs-in the PAST!

My eyes say it all.

My heart is officially broken.

I guess i'm not even worth answering.  I guess i'm only worth a one-night stand then not even a call back.  I guess it's ok to just see multiple women at once but still tell me that i'm the only one they're emotionally attatched to.  I guess i'm easy to lie to.  Not anymore.  If you guys thought my walls were high before, good luck breaking them down now.




Just wish I had been worth more than that.

One decision, one night, one moment...changed my life forever.



(once again, this pic is of me..ask before you use it for anything.)

I'm Emotionally Exhausted

It's a cold, dreary, snowy day today and i'm physically and emotionally exhausted.  I'm not un-happy, just not happy either.  I'm no longer searching for a partner.  As much as I love cuddling, and as sad as I am every night when I have to go to bed alone, it's still better than the constant let down i've felt time and time again.  I'll cope with the lonliness, maybe I'll even embrace it sometime. At this point I just want the Holidays to come and go and to get back to everyday life.  The Holidays are meant to be special, but this year everyone's claws are out, and i'm just finished with the drama.  I have lots to look forward to this year, and I'm excited about all the "firsts" that are happening this year.  Lots of new experiences, and lots of new beginnings.  I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes open, and i'm sure this blog will be full of typos, but who cares.

Today i'm going to attempt to make my own ice cream.  I've never tried it before, and it should be fun.  I'm just going to chill out, eat my homemade ice cream, and watch some movies alone.  I'll probably get fat- I don't care.  I'll probably remain single- I don't care.  And i'll probably get more nasty emails from people with nothing better to do- which I won't be reading. 


So all-in-all i'm at a decent place in my life right now.  I'm learning, by myself, to accept who I am and to embrace it.  I know i've helped many people in my life, and I also know that i'm not a bad person.  I can't help having mental illness.  I didn't ask for it.  At least i'm adult enough to own up to it, and to seek help.  I know others who haven't got there yet.

Gift Shopping Online

The internet is such a blessing.  In fact, I just finished a paper today for school about how much the internet has changed the way we live.  Since I can't leave the house much i've been doing my Christmas shopping for people online this year.  I love to give and it just makes me feel good to be able to get gifts for people.  I ordered things for everyone in my immediate family and may get a few things for friends.  I don't really exchange with friends much anymore though since I hardley ever see them or talk to them anymore.  Anyway, i'm feeling a little better now than I was before.

Bad, bad day.

We all have bad days.  It just seems that I have more of them.  Today i'm feeling so blah and hopeless.  I did what needed to be done, but nothing extra.  I'm still recovering from the rejection I felt the other night.  I'm used to rejection by this point.  Honestly being 21 and already having gone through so much rejection and turmoil; i'm just used it.  In a way i've become attatched to the heartache.  I just thought maybe this time it'd be different, but i'm not different so why would it be?  I've given up on expecting anything from this world.  I have a few that i'm close to, and I hang on for them.  There's really not much to write.  I'm just empty.  Empty and alone.  I'm not accepted.  I'm not desired, and i'm not happy.  People talk.  They don't understand, and they never will.  That's fine with me.  I'm just done.  I'll go through the motions, do what's expected of me, then sleep.  If I can make a routine of that then i'll be just like every other robot on this planet.  There's room for the people who don't think, never room for those of us who do.  Locking your mind in a box only defeats it.  People need to learn to think, and imagine things that seem impossible, because that's how they come to be.  I feel like i'm meant to achieve something through this blog, but I haven't yet figured out what that is.

Scars by Papa Roach

"Scars"
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is


I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand


I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever come around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life




This song describes how I feel perfectly.

Creep by Radiohead

When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell I'm doing here?
I don't belong here

She's running out again
She's running out
She runs runs runs

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here

(The pic is of me back when I was blonde)

BDD=Body Dysmorphic Disorder

People have been asking me what BDD is, and i'm glad.  BDD hasn't received nearly enough attention as it should.  It means Body Dysmorphic Disorder, and to put it simply, it's an exaggerated obsession of one's own appearance.  However it's far from simple.  It has not only affected my self-esteem, but my whole life.  I literally don't leave the house FOR the reason that I don't want people to look at me.  If you don't suffer from this then you could never understand.  For those of you who do then you know exactly what it is that i'm talking about.  I've gone to desperate measures to try to be beautiful; all failing.  For me the biggest one if my weight.  I've struggled with it all my life.  The only time I managed to be as thin as I wanted to was when I would only eat two Special K bars a day.  That equals roughly 200 calories.  This could kill you, and I don't in any way suggest you try this.  For the majority of my life i've been chubby.  Take it from me, chubby girls are seen in a WHOLE different way that thin girls.  We're supposed to be funny or goofy, anything but pretty.  Goodness, we could NEVER be pretty.  I mean we're fat right?  Fat isn't pretty.  This is the mindset of most of the world.  Well I for one would like to be thought of as beautiful regardless of what my size may be.  Do I feel pretty?  No.  Not even a little bit.  I feel repulsive.  I feel like how could anyone ever in a million years want to date me?  And sadly i'm usually right.  I'm a very realistic person.  I know what I am, and what i'm not.  I'm not a beauty queen.  I'm not exceptionally smart.  I'm not naturally gifted at anything really.  But i'm me.  And the time I spend here on earth isn't in vain.  I've helped many people throughout my lifetime, and I hope to be able to help many more.  BDD may make my life more difficult, but it hasn't ruined it.  I'd never give it that much power over me.  To all of you beautiful people out there who struggle with this, my only advice is to not stop trying.  It may not go away, but it does get easier.  After awhile you get to a point where you become in control, and the BDD is nothing more than a nuisance.  Just know that you're not alone.  There are people out there who feel like you do, and who honestly understand.  The people that judge us are simply the people who don't understand us.  It's human nature to be scared of things that we can't understand.  We need to educate people on this illness.  If there's less confusion about it, there will be less of a stigma attatched to it.  Stay strong!

Today was a Prime Example of how Agoraphobia Controls my Life

For the past three years I've been dead.  I say this simply because I haven't been living.  My body may be alive, but my mind is elsewhere.  My mind's in Hell.  Lost, floating around; trying to get back to how things were.  Better yet, my mind is trying to evolve into a person I never was and feel I can never be; normal.

Today, after two long months, I had plans to meet a man that I have strong feelings for.  Did it happen?  No.  I had every intention of going, but woke up this morning sick to my stomach at the thought of leaving.  I called him, and he refuses to speak with me anymore.  I'm devastated, not only about my own emotions, but that his had to be dragged into this whole ordeal as well. 

It's not like i'm just so thrilled with my living arrangements that I don't wish to leave; it's quite the opposite actually.  I would like nothing MORE than to leave, but my mind won't allow this.  I've seen doctor after doctor.  Been on pill after pill.  Still, nothing breaks these  prison walls that surround my mind.  Nothing calms me to the point that I can leave again; nothing. 

I refuse to give up though. God has blessed me with life for a reason, and I have a strong suspicion that the reason isn't to sit inside all day, every day.  One day things will change.  I just wish that day would come sooner rather than later.

My name is Sarah by the way, and I hope through this blog that I can speak with people who understand.  I haven't one person in my actual life who can even begin to understand, so hopefully someone out there with internet access does, and at least i'll find some sense of comfort in that.