I'm just having one of those don't-mess-with-me type of days today. I've been putting up with a lot of garbage for a long time now, and i'm tired of being peoples' floor mat. The thing is that by nature i'm a very loving, understanding type of person, but I have my limits. Some people get off on pushing other peoples' buttons, and my buttons have been pushed quite enough lately thank you!!
I'm also a little peeved that i'm single yet again for the Holidays, but i've accepted that this will probably always be.
Ew. Just one of those days. Can't some guy just come and save me? He doesn't need to be perfect by any means. Just be loving and want me, and we can make this work. I'm easy to please, and I don't judge because I know how easy it would be to judge me in my situation. I mean who wants someone with depression and anxiety problems who comes from even more problems? Almost no one. Most men i've been with last about two months tops.
To add to this i've been physically sick for like a week now-that's starting to get to me as well.
I'd like to think that tomorrow will be better, but why would it be? Has anything changed? Have any issues been resolved? Of course not. So no, it won't be any different.
I've been getting so, so depressed in the middle of the night lately. Right at the time where there's no one to call or talk to. I'm just not seeing a change, and I can't keep up like this forever. What i'm doing isn't really living. I'm alive. I'm surviving-but not living. And that's sad.
On a positive note though, I love CityVille and find myself getting addicted to it lol!
When I have a "don't mess with me day" I just completely ignore people by not answering my phone, deleting voicemails without listening to them, and deleting text messages without reading them. I don't think it has to deal with me being angry, but I'm easily irritated. I usually have this anxiety when I'm trying to avoid certain obligations or having to deal with certain friends or family. I've ignored my family since thanksgiving because I had an anxiety attack and didn't show up at my mom's for dinner that day. I drink by myself to help deal with my depression and anxiety and I send my family alarming texts or voicemails. I got hammered last friday by myself (even though I live with my friend Nicole) and my family has been calling me every day for the last week and I deleted any messages I sent them, so I don't know exactly what I did. I think we had a family gathering for christmas where the cousins and my aunts and uncles get together, but of course I avoid that as well.
ReplyDeleteI'm physically tired all the time lately and don't eat as much as I should. And I go through the entire day just fine and then start worrying about my life in the middle of the night just like you. I feel panicked, afraid, and unable to figure out what I'm going to do about everything.
I've been talking to a girl from Arizona for almost a year now. I was too nervous to talk to her over the phone for the first 5 months, got past that issue, and now I'm affraid to meet her. I wanted to see her for this christmas or new years, but I'm too affraid she won't like me. Most of it has to do with my BDD so I need to start working out more and get a tan since she's from arizona. I'm not fat or anything and I consider myself average looking.
It's 430 am and I just woke up so hopefully I can go back to sleep. :(
and another thing. the holidays seems to always be the worst time of year for me and I've almost always been single this time of year so I know how you feel.
ReplyDeleteeverday is bad for me but yeah the holidays are worse because everyone gets together and talks about how far they're getting in their lives..and theyre there with their kids and spouses and they all just talk about me and look at me like im some freak of nature..and act like they wish i hadnt come, so this year im not going. im doing nothing at all. i got some presents for my little sister and my mom and thats it. im not getting anything or exchanging with anyone because i dont see the point. they all left me at my worst and never bothered to even check in on me to see if im even fucking alive so why should i care at all about them? they did this to themselves. i didnt ask for all this..and honestly half my problems stem from them anyway.
ReplyDeletethats me by the way (bigboobsmcgee) its a blog i tried starting awhile back that never took off.
ReplyDeleteI'll be single for the Holidays too and btw I can be the guy that you described
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ReplyDeleteSarah everyone has those days, I know that no comfort but they do. Deal with them on your terms and how best works with you.
ReplyDeleteYou're amazing & wondrous so many people (myself included if I was younger) would love to have you in their lives.