For the past three years I've been dead. I say this simply because I haven't been living. My body may be alive, but my mind is elsewhere. My mind's in Hell. Lost, floating around; trying to get back to how things were. Better yet, my mind is trying to evolve into a person I never was and feel I can never be; normal.
Today, after two long months, I had plans to meet a man that I have strong feelings for. Did it happen? No. I had every intention of going, but woke up this morning sick to my stomach at the thought of leaving. I called him, and he refuses to speak with me anymore. I'm devastated, not only about my own emotions, but that his had to be dragged into this whole ordeal as well.
It's not like i'm just so thrilled with my living arrangements that I don't wish to leave; it's quite the opposite actually. I would like nothing MORE than to leave, but my mind won't allow this. I've seen doctor after doctor. Been on pill after pill. Still, nothing breaks these prison walls that surround my mind. Nothing calms me to the point that I can leave again; nothing.
I refuse to give up though. God has blessed me with life for a reason, and I have a strong suspicion that the reason isn't to sit inside all day, every day. One day things will change. I just wish that day would come sooner rather than later.
My name is Sarah by the way, and I hope through this blog that I can speak with people who understand. I haven't one person in my actual life who can even begin to understand, so hopefully someone out there with internet access does, and at least i'll find some sense of comfort in that.
Did it occur to you that you might just be a little nervous? I've been sick to my stomach before going out and meeting new people. I find that a little bit of alcohol gives me the courage to go out. So, stop being a baby and go buy a a bottle of wine and I'll bet that will work better than any pill or doctor.
ReplyDeleteIf I remember correctly the first time I realized I had a mental disease was when I was 18. I had just moved out of my moms place and was living on my own, in a one bedroom apartment, and wokring a full time job with a local corporation in Littleton, Colorado. It was christmas day and my brother was ringing my door bell and calling my phone and I was laying face down on my bed with my fingers plugging my ears so I couldn't hear anything. He was supposed to pick me up so I would go over to my moms house where I would spend the entire day with my family. I waited 5 minutes and then got up and peekd out my blinds and his car was still there. Then I heard the door bell ring again and my phone went off. I turned the phone off, and layed back on my bed and covered my ears. This continued to happen for probably another 15 minutes and he finally left. I spent the rest of my christmas day by myself in my apartment playing computer games.
ReplyDelete